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12/22/09 at 1:48 pm
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you know that place that you get into... where someone you know hurts so badly you just want to fix all their problems. you just want to help. you want to be the guiding light. but you don't know how. you are so lost on how to accomlish this small help to someone who means the world to you that it turns your insides numb. i don't know if any of you have every experienced a feeling like that. butit is very bittersweet. on one hand you have someone who is asking for your help. your help alone. which is so touching and wonderful. it lets you know that they value who you are as a person and what you can do for them. but then there is the other side, the side in which you don't know how to help them. when you feel like listening and giving advice isn't enough. action needs to be taken. but what action? it is that paralyzing knowledge that you don't know how to help which causes the numbness. the hurt. that makes me cry. i just want to take all the pain away, but i have no way of doing it.
sigh... i need to take a step back or something. is this what seligman meant when he said my number one positive characteristic is the capacity to love and be loved. because it causes me serious mental distress rather than happiness. haha. well hopefully this will all work itself out, and i truly hope that even just by listening and being there i am helping. otherwise, what good am i anyways?
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12/18/09 at 12:38 pm
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"I opened myself to you only to be skinned alive. The more vulnerable I became, the faster and more deft your knife. Knowing what was happening, still I stayed and let you carve more. That’s how much I loved you. That’s how much." -Rabih Alameddine: I, the Divine
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| a good nights sleep |
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12/17/09 at 12:46 am
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its sort of interesting to watch your life crash down before your eyes. all the realizations and shortcomings. i also think lack of sleep and overall sanity don't help the situation much, but I really do feel like i have nothing to offer sometimes. that my best isn't good enough. it's why i procrastinate, because then when I don't do well I have something to blame it on... like leaving it to the last minute, not on the fact that I am just inadequate. my life is hard to come to grips to. this is not where i thought I would be earlier in my life. almost one in the morning working on huge assignments that are grade altering, not really caring because all I can care about is how i am inadequate. AND i try too hard. and i let people take advantage of me. it's silly. i can't think of anything else besides these things. sigh. well at least i am almost done. then i can go home and forget this dark place I've been living in. I am putting this behind me... but only when I am done with this week lol. sigh... almost there.
ps--> i dont want any sort of comments about how im a good person and such because i mean... i know i am and i know I have people who love me... i just needed to get some thoughts out. but thanks if you were thinking of me :)
i know someday that you will wake up, as lonely as i am you can sleep in your own bed tonight you can sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name i hope someday that you will wake up as broken as i am...
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12/14/09 at 9:53 pm
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fuck this game. YOU WIN.
and i want nothing to do with it or you anymore.
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